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One If by Clam, Two If by Sea is an episode of Family Guy. Guest stars Hugh Laurie, Jennifer Tilly, Patrick Warburton, and Ed Asner as murderer Steve Bellows.
The episode title is a parody of the Old North Church lamps signal to Paul Revere during the American Revolution about how the British would attack: "One if by land, Two if By Sea".
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Plot summary
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Flashbacks at the beginning establish that Peter has been working at the toy factory and going to the Drunken Clam regularly since 1977.
A hurricane convinces the Drunken Clam's owner Horace to sell the bar, and an Englishman named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a British pub. Upset over the loss of their favourite bar, Peter and friends storm a British ship in an attempt to recreate the Boston Tea Party with beer.
When the pub mysteriously burns down that night, they are thrown in jail. Lois tricks Nigel into confessing that he torched his own pub for the dual goals of insurance money and to send Peter to jail. Horace returns and rebuilds the familiar watering hole.
Meantime, Stewie tries to teach Eliza, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English. He wagers with Brian that she will be a proper lady at her birthday party. Eliza does admirably — until she wets her panties in front of everybody.
After her father gets hung, Eliza gets sent to a rat-hole orphanage and sends Stewie a letter threatening to kill Lois if she gets out. Stewie enjoys reading her letter.
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Quotes
(A priest is using a church as shelter for women during the hurricane.) Priest: Right this way everyone.
Woman: Bless you for helping us ,father!
Priest: It's God's wish, my dear. (The woman steps out of the picture and the priest rips his face/mask off, revealing himself to be Quagmire.)
Quagmire: Heh. Heh. All-right!
Peter:Alright, this place isn't bad!
Joe:Oh, yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube--
''falls silent''
Quagmire:Heh. I've never seen so many chicks in one place!
Hey, check out those two hotties. They're so lonely they're practicing kissing each other!
Cleveland:I don't think they're practicing...
Joe, Peter, and Quagmire:Oh. ''Realizes they are ''lesbiansOh!''Realizes that The Cherry Pit is a lesbian bar''OH!''Realizes they are more than likely ''feminists
Oh...
Joe, Peter, and Cleveland walk out, but Quagmire stays. Quagimre walks up to the couple
Quagmire:............So you ladies ever been penetrated?
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Trivia
Peter's prisoner number is D1749. He is also the only one in the group with a number.
British actor Hugh Laurie's voice can be discerned as the pub patron who says "or a ruddy nice plum pudding!"
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