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Father Dougal McGuire is a character in the comedy series Father Ted, played by the actor Ardal O'Hanlon. Renowned for sleeping in his Irish national football team shirt and He-Man sheets, the dense Father Dougal is one of life's innocents. He quite cheerfully admits that "the lights are on but no one's home".
It is unclear how or why Dougal became a priest, though Ted suggests it was by collecting a certain number of crisp packets, and how or why he is allowed to remain one. Just as unclear is his presence on Craggy Island, though it has been alluded to that he was sent there by Bishop Brennan as a result of some act of stupidity which led to a mysterious incident on a Sealink Ferry that put the lives of hundreds of nuns in danger. He is "addicted" to rollerblading and often dreams about Carol Vorderman presenting Countdown naked ("Put your clothes back on Carol, I can't concentrate"). He doesn't really believe in organised religion, and never seems quite sure what the clergy are meant to do (he famously mistakes bishops for some sort of sci-fi loving insect exterminators). He often wears a dated red sleeveless jumper over priestly black.
He has obvious trouble distinguishing between real life and dreams, and almost never has enough wits about him for the task at hand. For example, Dougal and Ted visit a tourist attraction and see a map poster with the legend "You Are Here". Dougal exclaims "Wow! How did they know that?"
In another scene Ted compares some toy cows with the real cows in a nearby field: "Now, let's try it again, Dougal: these are small, but the ones out there are far away. Small...far away. Small...far away." Dougal shakes his head in amiable incomprehension.
Dougal also has a habit of infuriating Ted with pointless, often blindingly obvious questions and observations:
Ted: "Dougal, fantastic news!"
Dougal: "You're getting married!?"
Ted: (pause) "Is that a joke?"
Dougal: "Er, yeah..."
Dougal once ventured into the cutthroat world of milkmen, taking over from the sex-mad Pat Mustard. However, Mustard put Dougal's life in severe danger by rigging the milk float with a huge bomb. Fortunately Ted, with help from two Mass-loving priests from Barren Island and Father Jack's pet brick, came to the rescue.
Dougal's equivalent on Rugged Island is Father Cyril MacDuff, who is also unbelievably dense and stupid. Whenever Ted and Dougal have triumphed over Father Dick Byrne, Cyril will sneer "Better luck next time, lads" at them, before being reminded that his side lost. Dougal believes Cyril to be "an awful eejit."
Dougal has also had encounters with pop stars such as Niamh Connolly, who visited the Parochial House. Dougal advised her to take off her bra before giving the house to her for free. When another pop star, Eoin McLove came to the house, Dougal didn't get on very well with him, because Eoin kept eating the jam from the jar and stealing things from the house.
Upon the death of John Paul II in 2005, Irish bookmakers included him in the running for the next pope (albeit as a joke with odds of 1,000 to 1). This is actually better odds than many real-life cardinals and archbishops. Some small bets were actually received from punters, which is testimony to the popularity of the character and the humour of the Irish and other gamblers. *
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Father Dougals Words of Wisdom
"I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there."
"Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy."
"Of course the Italians know about football alright, and of course the world of fashion! God Ted, do you remember that fella that was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?"
"A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?"
"Do you believe in God then Ted?"
"Ted, do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals?"
"Ted, you're not gonna believe this! Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commit. Oh, wait no, it's a film."
"It's like a big pile of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women!"
"I'm no Jeffrey Archer, I don't care what anyone says!"
"We were just talking about that fella, err, Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Huh, imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. God, how'd he manage to survive that..."
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Father Dougals list of things that dont exist
Ted makes Dougal keep a roll-down sheet of paper next to his bed on which to record the fictional things that Dougal sometimes confuses with fact, the list is headed "They Don't Exist" and consists of:
In series 3, episode 2, 'Chirpy Burpy Cheeap Sheep', Ted makes Dougal add:
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